The Unwritten Rules for Teenage Dating 2021

November 19, 2020November 19, 2020 ~ brianorbistc ~ Leave a comment

The Unwritten Rules of Dating 2021 – now Written

I have been fascinated for a long time about how young people create and then police norms about relationships and dating.

There have always been rules to follow in school about how you ask someone out and how long you need to wait and so on – but I found myself stumped by what my son was describing this year and the very specific route he had to follow with someone he liked.

I was chatting to S3 girls in one of the schools I visit about this and we decided to map it out – this should be a bit of a laugh but also useful if you’re a parent, grandparent or a carer of one or more teenagers!

Did you know there is a difference between talking and speaking? there is!

So here goes – now, you can move up and down through these stages, you can go back to one and jump to another so long as you’ve observed the correct protocol at least once!

Stage	Rules
Snapping	Not yet at the ‘talking’ stage but you are sending snaps to each other on SnapchatYou’re both chatting this way, not in person yet You can be Snapping more than one person to begin with This stage is where you are ‘interested’ in someone
Talking	You are both starting to like each other You will start talking for longer – it’s not ‘exclusive’ yet but if you do like each other you should think about not snapping others You might not speak as much at school just yet as this stage is still kept low key	You can move form Snapping to talking but also can go back to Snapping if Talking is not going very well
Speaking	This is not the same as talking At this stage you are ‘pinned’ on snapchat – so at or near the top of your list You start to get closer You are not ‘speaking’ or ‘talking’ to anyone else You will meet up and spend time together ‘in person’ – and go on ‘dates’ possibly.	You can move from Speaking to Talking, or even back to snapping if things are not going well bit aren’t ‘over’ yet
Going Out	This only happens after an acceptable time “speaking’ the usual is about a month This is where you ‘put a label on it’ BF GF or BF BF or GF GF Girls who are attracted to boys want the boy to do the asking at this stage Pupils that are LGBTQ have told me that the process is very similar but tends to happen when you’re a bit older and not in S2/S3	It is possible to move back to Speaking early door – but the longer you are speaking, the more secure going out is believed to be
Break Up The Ick	What it says in the tin This can also be a result of any one of the 3 stages of ‘The Ick’ Stage 1 – start to go off someone – you might take longer to reply to snaps – like 5 minutes instead of 1 Stage 2 – When you make plans – you might not go or might not really want to go but do – but you’re a bit cold if ye do Stage 3 – Everything a person does gives you ‘the ick’ – there is no going back from this stage

So, there you have it, if you want to know what your teenager’s relationship status is, if they are in secondary school, it would appear this is a good indicator.

As always, it’s good to be able to connect with what your child and their pals are going through and to talk to them about what is happening.

Interestingly, when I ask young people who makes sure the rules are followed, the answer is ‘each other’. They are not sure who came up with these rules, but they all know them and feel obliged to follow them.

I have been heartened to hear that girls ‘do not like it’ when boys try and tell them what to do or what stage they are it. Keep this up girls.

And pupils that are LGBTQ do say it’s a similar process, but they might not go through it in S2 and S3 but will in S4 and S5 when their awareness of and perhaps the visibility of other LGBTQ pupils increases.

Is this a Glasgow thing? Let me know

Huge thanks to Leoni and Courtney for this too

Online Bullying – Evidence to Education and Cutlure Committe

March 13, 2014 ~ brianorbistc ~ Leave a comment

I have posted this briefing that was submitted ahead of the Education and Culture Committee Evidence Session on online bullying – it is an extended version of the briefing posted earlier on this blog

The service provides strategic policy support, offers skills development training and campaigns to raise awareness. The service was externally evaluated between 2009 and 2011 and was found to be a ‘catalyst for change’ and was a ‘credible’ and ‘robust’ anti-bullying service. The service was instrumental in developing the National Approach to Anti-Bullying for Scotland’s Children and Young People and ensures all stakeholders operate in-step with this approach.

respectme’s resources and approach to anti-bullying is recognised internationally, we have delivered training and materials across Europe and the UK as well as the US. We work with all adults who play a role in Children’s lives – parents to policy makers and we have trained teachers, social care staff, foster carers, football coaches, residential workers and many people in many other roles.

Bullying is behaviour that makes people feel frightened, hurt, threatened and left out. It impacts on a person’s ability to feel in control of themselves (their ‘agency’) and to respond effectively. This behaviour can harm physically and emotionally and the threat is typically sustained. This behaviour takes place in a variety of places, including on-line.

Online bullying was an emerging issue when the service launched early 2007 and at the request of the then Minister, respectme delivered a campaign on cyberbullying that urged parents to ‘connect’ with what their children were doing on-line not ‘disconnect’ from the internet. We found that parents and adults who understood how social media worked, what it was used for and how to make it safe or monitor it, were much more confident when dealing with bullying that happened on-line.

Over the year’s respectme developed resources, web content and a very popular training event on cyberbullying. We were able to refine and develop confidence with our core messages about online bullying and communicate these to our stakeholders through newer campaigns and resources aimed at adults and at children and young people. Our learning has now seen us bring the core messages on online bullying into our generic anti-bullying training.

These key messages include:

Bullying online is all about relationships – not technology We must focus on equipping young people with the skills to conduct themselves online in a more respectful manner; the skills to manage these environments safely, and to develop their confidence and abilities to negotiate relationships and problems. This is built on promoting and developing resilience. But we also have to equip parents with the knowledge and understanding about how these sites work; how to make them safe and, most importantly, how to talk to their children about using them.

‘Cyberbullying’ is bullying – it is still about relationships that are not healthy or being managed or role modelled well. It is behaviour done by someone to someone else, it is the ‘where’ this is taking place that is new. The behaviour appears to be migrating, as children spend more time on-line, the behaviour they have always exhibited and experienced comes with them.

It is important to include cyberbullying in your policies and procedures on anti-bullying and not see it as something entirely separate – it is still rooted in relationships between people. Our work and international research supports our assertion that you deal effectively with bullying that happened online as part of your whole approach to bullying. Carving it off as something different dilutes the reality of bullying experienced by children and young people – this is that they can experience bullying online and in person simultaneously.

The internet is a place, not a thing – for many the internet is a tool that they use for a variety of things, buying, sending messages or research. To most children and young people it is a social space that they spend time in and use to stay in touch with their friends. This principle underpins all of our anti-bullying work in this area. This led to a very successful video campaign in 2011 called ‘She’s still going somewhere’, the message for adults was, whether your child is going into town or online, they are still going somewhere and you need to be just as interested and concerned about where they are going and who they are going with.

Like all places children and young people go to, there are risks.

Children and young people do not differentiate a great deal between friendships online and in person – most of their interactions on-line or using their smart phones is with friends and people they interact with in other areas such a schools or where they live. This is not to say they do not know the difference but it is ads natural for your friendships to be evident in both your day to life online and where you live or go to school.

Children and young people use this to communicate –the purpose of using smart phones, consoles or laptops is primarily about staying in-touch with friends, this is as important for young people today as it was 40 years ago. They have different means at their disposal but the principle is the same.

Adult fear and anxiety – has been the biggest hurdle in dealing with cyberbullying. This has had a very high media profile at times and it appears ’new’ and for parents or adults who do not use social media or connect with their friends using the internet, this is a challenging and at times bewildering experience. There are so many types of phones, connections and complex safety features and so on. That is why respectme’s training focusses on developing adult skills and confidence and their understanding of how and why technology is used this way.

We have developed a two and a half hour training session for parents that we will be piloting across the Central belt later this year. This session will involve some ‘hands-on’ experience on social networking sites and leaning about safety settings and how they work.

Lots of colleagues have said they are ‘technophobes’ or are not ‘tech savvy’ and have voiced how much they dislike Facebook or twitter. We have maintained that if you work with children and young people or are a parent or carer – that is no longer good enough. You need to know! For some that will require a real effort to spend time and utilise the relationship they have to learn this. We cannot abdicate responsibility for this to software. We need to connect and learn about how young people use the internet and the phones or laptops they access it from. They use it mainly to talk to and meet their friends.

Many adults have experience of managing risk when working with children and young people, this is a new place for us to consider. We need to be as imaginative and creative with the internet as we have been in other places.

respectme undertook extensive research on October 2011 on this issue that both confirmed our messages and informed the work we do.

This research involved 3,944 young people from 29 of Scotland’s 32 local authorities aged 8 – 19 years. It confirmed that children and young people are online almost every day. They use phones and laptops, boys also use games consoles to connect with friends and socialise. For the most part, the friends they talk to at school are also the friends they chat to on-line. They do not draw any difference between talking to a friend on the phone, instant messaging or on the way to school – it’s all talking to friends.

16% say they have been cyberbullied – this is reflective of the findings from colleagues in the rest of the UK. 25% worry about cyberbullying,

55% say they are online every day for 1 – 3 hours, nearly 10% claim they are on for 5 hrs. or more

63% of children bullied online knew the person who was doing this and 40% of the time this carried over into school. Children who had been bullied on-line stated that reading a nasty comment was worse that hearing it or knowing it had been said. Children who had not been bullied on-line were ambivalent about the difference in impact.

There is a real fear that anonymity is pushing this behaviour online – however there is little research to support this – what we do know is that believing they will no get caught and not fully understanding how permanent posting are online link to bullying and aggressive behaviours more than anonymity – many social network sites have a /name’ culture and most abusive behaviour online is not actually anonymous.

The impact of this behaviour is the same as the impact of other types of bullying, fear, anxiety and worry about repercussions. It is likely for many children and young people that if they are being bullied, say in school, it is highly likely they may also experience bullying behaviours online as well.

71% of children who were bullied would like to tell a parent or carer, 43% would tell a friend and 31% would want to tell a teacher.

This year will also see respectme undertake new research into children and young people’s experiences of bullying online and off. This research will enable us to help parents and professionals get a clear national picture of how young people are experiencing bullying in 2014. Crucially this will support and influence effective responses that recognise relationships play out on line and face to face more than ever.

Schools have struggled at times to deal with bullying that happens on-line as they believe it happens ‘out of school’, respectme’s take on this is that bullying happens to individuals, the impacts are felt by them and they take this with them wherever they go. If they tell their teacher something happened and they are worried, like any disclosure of this kind, teachers and schools must respond in a supportive way. Children will be telling a teacher for good reason; they believe they can help them.

Cyberbullying can be more intrusive and children and young people may find fewer ‘escape routes’ as switching off their phone is rarely an option. While messages can be blocked, deleted or reported, they can be seen by hundreds of others within minutes and incidents can spiral out of control very quickly. A comment made while angry to a friend can be seen and shared in no time at all.

respectme has develop very successful guidance for children and young people on bullying, staying safe and their own behaviour on-line as well as resource for adults. There is a need to help adults develop skills and confidence in this area though. There is still a gap between what they currently know and what they need to know about the platforms and devices children and young people use.

A new publication for parents and carers will also be delivered this year and this will cover anti-bullying advice including online bullying.

Brian Donnelly

Director respectme

February 2014

Cyberbullying – anonymity and other challenges for parents

August 7, 2013 ~ brianorbistc ~ Leave a comment

Sadly the last few days have seen an increase in media enquiries and media activity across the UK about bullying and online bullying, following the tragic suicide of Hannah Smith. We have contributed to this as best we can at respectme; sharing our understanding, our approach to anti-bullying and our resources wherever we can.

I have written before on this blog about online bullying and have attached copies of a briefing we’ve developed around this. Both have been well read and shared across the world. I do feel though that it is relevant to share some thinking on what has been happening recently, and specifically about anonymity online and websites like Ask.FM and our reaction to them.

Some of the behaviour we have been reading about in the media from young people towards their peers is very concerning; it can be cruel, hurtful and read by hundreds of others across the world in a short space of time. And yet, young people still want to be involved in these online social spaces.

Social websites that get demonised in the press develop a reputation, and the behaviour of those who take part in these sites may well reflect this. But behaviour will be erratic and, in time, may settle down and be more self-regulated. If sites can show that their code of conduct is implemented then behaviour is more likely to fall into line with this – if abusive and hateful comments disappear and users leave or change – it becomes evident to users that there are boundaries on this particular site.

Of course people who provide on-line platforms must do so responsibly. They must create environments that are safe, where it is easy to report abusive behaviour – just as we would expect of anyone providing any other social space to children and young people! Whether it is a drop-in centre or a social networking site – have they assessed the risks and what have they done to minimise them?

The issue of anonymity has been central to many discussions and concerns about Ask.FM in particular. Anonymity does provide cover for people to act in a way they may not do if they had to use their own name – but not always – there is no shortage of abusive posts online and the name and face of the person doing this is very public!

It should be noted though that users can go into their privacy settings in Ask.Fm and change them to disable anonymous questions, so the possibility to remove anonymous posts on your page exists, yet few young people choose this option. Even fewer parents are aware it exists. Perhaps it should be the default setting, but default settings are mainly still based on what gives those who design and manage sites the most useful information to sell stuff to you – not to make sure you are as safe as possible. And while this attitude is changing, parents especially should never assume that default settings are the ‘safest’ option.

But parents cannot abdicate responsibility to these platforms. They need to know what websites their children are going to; Are they safe? How do they respond to abuse they might receive? Do they look at the websites their children want to sign up to? Do they discuss privacy settings? This takes time and families are busy, but it’s the most effective way of creating a safer environment and ensuring young people have the skills and knowledge to manage themselves within it.

Do they discuss expectations? Expectations around how they speak to other people? Or whether they copy, retweet or ‘like’ nasty comments made about others, and what might that mean? What will the consequences of their behaviour be if they bully or harass others online?

It is vital that we remember that bullying is about relationships; about how we relate to each other and how those interactions are managed. Are they managed respectfully or not? It is not Ask.FM and other similar sites that are being hurtful and nasty; it’s some of the people who use them.

We must focus on equipping young people with the skills to conduct themselves online in a more respectful manner; the skills to manage these environments safely, and to develop their confidence and abilities to negotiate relationships and problems. But we also have to equip parents with the knowledge and understanding about how these sites work; how to make them safe and, most importantly, how to talk to their children about using them.

Most parents want to be able to respond effectively and give the right advice, so they need to connect with their children and know about the places they go online. No amount of filtering software or firewalls will ever do more than a parent understanding what Ask.FM or Instagram actually is and does, or how to make sure it is safe.

Talking and writing about this is my job, but I am also the father of three children. They are all at different levels, but each of them explores and uses cyberspace as part of their social circle and when they connect with friends and family. If I may, I will share an example of the challenges and practical difficulties many parents will face.

My son, after much pleading, got X Box Live for Christmas last year. For those of you who are not familiar with this, it is an enormously popular way for boys particularly to begin to use the internet and connect with other people. This internet connection allows users to buy and download gaming ‘stuff’ online and play with their friends in real time – so my son can now play a game of Fifa 12 with his cousin in another country, while chatting away. There are many parental settings on this that don’t allow him to chat or connect with people he does not know, nor can he connect with anyone without my log in, which he does not have. I also get emailed updates about his activity – and so far, so good.

The thing is though – setting this up took over two hours on Christmas day – and it was very frustrating! I needed two email addresses for me – one to register and one for updates – a separate new email for my son and three passwords – all very different of course – billing details, credit card information, activation codes needing emailed and re-re-entered and so on.

I could easily see how after an hour a parent might just say ‘do you know what – here is my email address and date of birth, please use it wisely’ – meaning no game or age restrictions would be in place and an open door to the internet and all that that brings would have been there for him.

Sadly for my son, his Dad has a job that means I really need to do what I say, and advise other to do!

In relation to Ask.FM I am not going to join in calls to ‘ban this sick filth’ just yet, but there is a lot of learning for the people who run and moderate this site. They need to demonstrate that they take abusive behaviour seriously and act on reports, that they can engage with parents, young people and regulators effectively.

Brian Donnelly