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My Thoughts on the propsed social media ban for under 16’s

~ brianorbistc ~ Leave a comment

I feel the need to weigh in on the responses to the proposed ban on social media for under-16s.

Online conduct has been a key part of my work dating back to 2007, when I launched the first cyberbullying campaign for respectme, it was called ‘Don’t Disconnect, Connect’. This was to address the fear and panic parents had around online bullying and safety, and the tendency just to unplug things – that’s how long ago that was. The next campaign, ‘She’s still going somewhere’, was based on all the listening we had been doing to young people and parents/carers.

This was built on the premise that we need to see the internet as a place, not a thing. A social space where children and young people go. Like most social spaces, some of it is magic, and other bits were not built for someone your age; they are risky, dangerous even. The message was: just because your child is still in the house, when they go online, you need to know where they are going and who with. And what to do if there is a problem.

These messages have aged quite well and have underpinned policy and campaigning beyond Scotland.

However, both were before the smartphone revolution, before children had them in their hands with lightning-fast internet. The impact this has had has been enormous – the data is in, the research has been done, and this 2010-2015 impact of smartphones on the hands of children is now well documented and deeply concerning. (read The Anxious Generation, or Gen i)

In response to this, all manner of campaigning and blogging has taken place, many feeling they know exactly what to do, and many feeling that because the genie was out of the bottle, it’s too late.

So, in typical UK Government fashion, they found a middle ground that doesn’t please everyone.

I support the ban, to be honest. There was a time when I was unsure of this and rooted in the belief and experience that most young people know what they’re doing. However, my confidence is shaken by the fact that social media companies also know and knew what they were doing. To hook kids, to use the psychology of addiction and gaming to reel them in. I can now say with some confidence that social media is, in fact, harmful and is changing the childhoods and experiences of not one but now two generations.

Anxiety in teens? Up
Depression in teens? Up
Self-identifying mental health issues? Way up
Isolation? Up
Loneliness? Up

Before you get to screens that tell your brain to stop producing melatonin and the impact on sleep, then the ripple effect this has on mood and attention span during the day.

Anyone who has worked with or has a child with ASD knows that a tablet, a Chromebook or a phone can occupy them, but it is like kryptonite as well. They can get lost in it, the constant dopamine bursts and the ability to change anything you don’t like quickly, is causing mayhem in classrooms and homes.

Body image, bombarded with images of perfection and success, selling this unattainable lifestyle as attainable if you follow me, buy this crypto and so on. I talk to girls, for example, aged 11-14. I ask if you put a picture on Insta, and you like it, but no one likes or comments, 45 minutes pass, nothing, what would you do? They all say the same thing: delete it.

Every absent ‘like’ is a ‘dislike’, every absent comment is an insult. The impacts of this on the mental health and well-being of our young people are very concerning.

So, is a ban on social media the answer?

I, like many others, argued for a long time that the answer was not to ban it but make it safer; however, as always, the proof of the pudding is in the eating – Meta, X, Snapchat – they genuinely are not invested in children’s safety – they are actively pursuing children’s data, habits and likes to target them and sell this data on. They’ve never taken parental controls and teen behaviour seriously; it’s too big a market for them.

But a ban is now a necessary step. The impact of social media on our children is not positive; it’s harmful.

But for me, the issue goes beyond social media – if I could implement one thing to make things better?

Get smartphones out of the hands of younger children.

If you need to contact them, get them a Nokia 3310. Schools, especially primary, should be phone-free.

They do not need smartphones; children managed well without them for generations. And I include tablets and iPads in that as well. I get asked weekly by parents in primary school, ‘What age should I get them a smartphone?’, and I say, ‘ At the end of P7’.

The biggest link to the steep decline is wellbeing, confidence and ability are as linked to the device as it is the social media.

That would be my campaign, to de-normalise giving your P3 child your old smartphone. Handing over an iPad to occupy them.

A couple of things have been very concerning, though – firstly, the response on X, by adults who, if Starmer said the sky is blue, they’d tell him it’s yellow – or the make it about illegal immigration – yes, that is currently happening on X.

It really has become a swamp of adults modelling the worst behaviour, extremism, racism, prejudice and hate is standard. I have reported users for using the ‘n’ word, only to be told it doesn’t violate their terms.

It’s the last place to discuss this – I might put this out on Twitter just for the reactions.

Lastly, let the parents parent, this is a bit contentious – my first response to this is clear – we did, and we made a right mess of it, don’t believe me, look at the results. Look at the overall impact on Western young people; it’s alarmingly similar everywhere.

I meet parents and carers who take this very seriously but are fighting a losing battle; we need to take some steps to help with this. The pressure from other parents, to have phones and devices, to be playing 18 games, to have every app, is enormous.

As I said, for me, getting smartphones and tablets out of their hands is the first step. Parents have to teach children to cross the road, brush their teeth, tie their laces, what to do if your friend doesn’t want to play with you – although some seem to feel this is the school’s job now – and also, how to deal with friends online, how to be safe online -that’s our job as parents. But we live in an age where some, not all, expect children to just figure this out; they don’t. We need to teach them these skills.

I talk to children and young people about this every week, every week. And every week I ask about group chat and time on their phones, I ask them to compare this to their parents, the response is always the same –
My mum and dad are never off their phones
If you think our groupchat is bad, you should see the parents one for this class

The genie is indeed out of the bottle, and many of our young people are addicted to it – we need national action, not just lessons in school on safe use. So yeah, a ban is a good start, but we need to seriously look at the normalisation of giving 6&7 year olds smartphones and making it clear, you don’t bring it to school.

Brian Donnelly

Let’s talk about labelling and using the word ‘Bully’

~ brianorbistc ~ Leave a comment

This is in response to the coverage of the guidance in Scotland

The guidance was not and never has been about ‘banning’ the word ‘bully’. The point is being misrepresented and used to score points without taking in the full guidance. 

The guidance is for adults who need to respond to and deal with bullying. For years parents and schools focussed on establishing whether someone was a bully or not rather than deal with what they’d done. 

Telling someone they are a bully doesn’t or hardly ever changes their behaviour – if it did – this would have worked years ago – it didn’t.Children are not adults – their character is still developing and labelling can confirm traits and behaviours before a child has a chance to learn alternatives or change what people seem to believe about them. 

When we tell children they – 

Talk too much 

Are a bully 

A liar

Are lazy 

Can’t manage their anger 

They can internalise this and believe they’ve no control over it. This happens all the time. When we focus on their behaviour, on what they did – we are in a better place to help them change and in this case, stop bullying. 

Telling them ‘that this is what you did wrong’ – and ‘these are the consequences’ – ‘here is what we expect instead’ – is more useful than giving them the label of bully. 

Some children stop bullying – they make amends – the label can stick.I have more first hand experiences than I can count where a child’s bullying was not treated seriously because adults didn’t think they were a bully – and times where everything a child does is bullying because everyone thinks they’re a bully.

Also I’ve seen parents who won’t accept their child is bullying because they don’t accept their child is a bully – but if I describe your child’s actions and that it’s unacceptable – that’s a better conversation and one that may actually stop their behaviour. 

This thinking about labelling stops us sorting things out. All we ever asked in the guidance was to focus on addressing behaviour and impact – not deciding on who is or isn’t a bully. It’s got nothing to do with not hurting people’s feelings – it’s to give the adults the right kind of guidance to actually stop bullying.

And it’s based on what thousands of children and young people that have been bullied have shared with me over the years. 

It’s not an SNP thing either – they never put this in the guidance – initially in 2011 believe it or not – it was me – based on thousands of engagement’s with children and young people. 

It’s vital we don’t mince our words when dealing with bullying – call it out – call it bullying and that it’s never ever okay. When someone is bullying – point out exactly what they’re doing that’s bullying – don’t hint at it – be straight. I’ll never worry about hurting someone who bullies feelings – I’ll tell them what they’re doing is bullying – but I will give them a chance to change and to learn. 

Brian Donnelly 

Trying to share what Ive learned – looking for some feedback

~ brianorbistc ~ Leave a comment

I have been trying for a while to start to write about the work I have been doing with families over the last couple of years. I’ve learned so much from so many families from across different local authority areas, that’s its almost impossible to boil it all down to be able to answer the question I get asked a lot, ‘what’s the one thing you’ve learned?’.

I tend to start waffling about how things are like jigsaw we need to piece together to see the bigger picture, so many things affect our children, their families and the people who work in their schools. 

Yes, the influence of social media, yes, the impact of lockdown, yes, the political landscape, yes, making education a political football, and so on and on. 

But the one thing I would say, in terms of what I have learned it’s this – the answer lies with families. Success, genuine change has only come about when the family, me and the school, work together. 

Working on one thing at a time that has a ripple effect on what you do next. To measure small incremental changes and focus on seeing behaviour and the impact it has. Not what it might mean or what CAMHS might diagnose, but what can we do today? What can you do when they get home from school?

As I reflect on this, I feel I will write several Blog’s to cover the myriad of insights this work has led to. Or even make some videos.

So, with that in mind, here are some of the areas I’d like to cover

  • The focus on your child’s happiness over all other feelings and experiences
  • The Snowplough – clearing the path of any obstacles – long term implications
  • Treating everyone like they have trauma / pathologizing everything
  • ‘The world revolves around me’
  • The influence of social media – on parents, children and teachers
  • The path to change – real examples of changes in behaviour and in stress
  • Why ‘it’s okay to be angry’ is not a helpful approach, its incomplete. 
  • Same issues – different wellies. The same issues exist in affluent/rural areas.
  • Behaviour expectations through values and relationships – The actual path to success
  • Fidget toys are a distraction – not a stress reducer.
  • ACE’s took us up the wrong path

My observations have been consistent across different authorities and individual schools. From my perspective, there is no doubt that attitudes to parenting have changed. The fear that is present that a child may have a difficult or negative experience has led to the evolution of a kind of parenting where parents are more concerned with how their child views them, rather than helping their child learn skills to deal with the kind of things happen in schools. 

Things like disappointment, embarrassment, friends not talking, being bad at something, not liking a teacher and the one that really stands out, dealing with feelings of boredom.

The reliance on parents to solve all issues and to step in or to demand the school reframes its approach to their child, is leading to children struggling with their own behaviour and relationships all through school and into young adult life. Friendships can be fragile, work, college and independence are becoming harder to manage. 

This is extensively written about and my work here in Scotland echoes this. In every school I work in, I see a high number of children who still present on what I frame as the ‘toddler phase’ of development, specifically the belief we associate with this developmental stage that the world revolves around you. When I ask parents if they think their 9/10/11/12-year-old believes the world still revolves around them, they usually respond very enthusiastically that that’s what life at home feels like. It’s then easier to plan on how to address this as it’s not about who caused it? but how can we change it?

I deal with many families where mum and dad are not on the same page on this, one parent is the tough one and one is the soft one, this brings real stress to their relationship. 

I’ve helped many parents gain a better sense of ‘control’ at home and stop negotiating every aspect of their child life, what they wanted to wear, eat, when they felt like sleeping, what they should do today, or more commonly what they didn’t want to do today. This does involve some short-term pushback and emotional difficulty but in time they see the benefits and the knock-on effect it can have on sleeping, friendships, school and crucially, their stress. 

I rarely ask for feedback from these, but I’d love to be interested on how people would like to engage on this, I’m thinking of videos to cover these issues, one that can support families as well as teachers and staff.

So, would people like that? To read stuff or listen? 

Let me know 

brian@orbistc.com

Some Lockdown Observations…

~ brianorbistc ~ Leave a comment

I have been meaning to write this for a wee while now, I wanted to share some of my experiences working in schools from August last year up until Christmas. Much has been written and a great deal has been said on this and the further Lockdown of January 2021 has only added to that.

I helped a few schools consult with parents and carers during lockdown, asking about the impact, their worries and expectations for August. One of the key activities was to consult with pupils on these same issues and concerns.

The feedback was pretty much as you’d expect, most enjoyed being at home, some genuinely enjoyed being around their family more and almost all of them missed their friends and some of their teachers. Being home was about family, school was about friends and both were equally important. 

Some schools were able to use this feedback to communicate to parents and carers to share the message of the school as a whole community and that returning to school was something for the whole community to manage.

The schools I supported like many others, had a clear, shared focus on wellbeing and relationships, taking the time to ‘check-in’ and creatively using the playground space as well.

As the pupils settled back in, there were some very clear themes emerging across schools for different local authorities – these were very consistent as well, From Aberdeen to Ayrshire.

I’d say that this affected P6 & P7 more so, but it was not exclusive to them. But alongside teachers and staff, we noticed that children were struggling with some of the very basics, from a relationship and behaviour perspective. Increased bickering, arguing, tiredness, an inability to share, not working well together and getting more distressed than usual when falling out over football in particular. Talking in class was also more common, as in an increase in just turning to the person sat next to you and talking, it was something else to observe this.

When I directly explored this with the children, we explored what score they would give their class out of 10 for kindness, it opened up the discussion into what was really going on for them. 

When they reflected on their lockdown ‘routines’ they were as you’d expect, very few, very few of them did a full school day (perhaps in the early days doing PE with Joe and when things were new). Almost all of them were staying up later and spending more time on devices. They stayed in their jammies and engaged in some schoolwork, some for an hour a day, some more.

This lasted for a long time and the routine, minus the schoolwork, continued into the summer.

So, it is safe to say that some bad habits were formed over this time. Understandable, yes but ones that did have an impact on them when back at school.

I should also say that, in what was a fairly unique year and with so many global issues covered on the news every day, many children also talked passionately and with real curiosity about Lockdown, Black Lives Matter, Statues, JK Rowling and yes, even Brexit. There has been so much happening in their world, they want to make sense of it all and at primary School age, they’re hugely influenced by what their mum or dad or whoever is looking after them, might say to the telly when the news is on.

So, this mix of information overload almost, flexible routines, later nights and not socialising with peers did have an impact. In my view the impact was on their capacity to do some things as competently as perhaps they did before. Things like being around a larger group of peers, taking turns, listening to people, to be respectful at times and to focus.

It was hard to go from opening the laptop or turning on the tablet, engaging with school for a bit then doing other things, eating when you were hungry and also, something I noticed in August and September. I was with a class of P7’s after break and up to lunch and at least 10 of them had to go to the loo.  Now one pupil needing the loo and all of a sudden, another 5 do, is nothing new but for P7’s even this was a change. For many months at home, they never had to think about when they needed the loo, they could just go, not hang on till break or lunch. Some were hungry at different times as well. I discussed this with colleagues in many schools and they were reporting the same behaviour from many of their pupils. 

We used these discussions with pupils to kind of acknowledge that there was an issue but to try to get them to see what may be contributing to it. To almost give them an honourable exit and say ‘ok, this explains why we have been a bit less patient and more argumentative, so now that we know this, what can we do to make it better?’.

I must confess that I really enjoyed these discussions and found pupils really open on their feelings and their take on the world around them. But I did feel many had forgotten some part of what they need to navigate their immediate world, especially in school.

Sadly, many colleagues felt that as they moved into late November and December, they could see pupils getting over this experience and being more attentive, patient and working better with peers, only for the new Lockdown to kick in January.

The initial uncertainty about how long this would last put many families back into the ‘holding pattern’. School staff worked tirelessly to get lessons organised and planned during a time of uncertainty and a time where external pressure from organised ‘parenting groups’ did little to help.

Some school are again gathering the views and experiences of families during this lockdown to help then plan and get the next stage. This collaboration and inclusion will stand them in good stead for the years ahead. 

If I may, I’d like to share one final thing I noticed form Secondary schools. Children are hugely influenced by parents and carers, always have been of course, this is not new. But when you have a situation where pupils are expected to wear a mask in school, but their mum or dad says that they do not need to do this because of what they believe, they are creating conflict between children and the school, conflict that can be avoided. 

When a pupil is told they don’t ‘have to do what the school says’ on something like masks, they are giving the message that some rules are okay, and some are not. In some cases, not all but some, pupils have been very vocal in what they’ve been told is okay by a parent or carer and teachers are spending time responding to this, rather than deliver lessons and support.

My point on this is that this conflict can be avoided, children need consistency. While it is not the intention of parents to undermine the school, this can be an outcome of this. And some children may start to feel that many of the school rules and expectations are negotiable. I will say that I am talking about a very small percentage here, very small.

This experience has helped me understand that the narrative of ‘catching up’ is not helpful, it just heaps pressure on families and teachers. A focus in primary schools on relationships, managing feelings (including boredom and tiredness) and helping them bet back into a groove where they are socialising better and being kinder to and about each other, will have serious impacts on their school work.

The Unwritten Rules for Teenage Dating 2021

~ brianorbistc ~ Leave a comment

The Unwritten Rules of Dating 2021 – now Written

I have been fascinated for a long time about how young people create and then police norms about relationships and dating.

There have always been rules to follow in school about how you ask someone out and how long you need to wait and so on – but I found myself stumped by what my son was describing this year and the very specific route he had to follow with someone he liked.

I was chatting to S3 girls in one of the schools I visit about this and we decided to map it out – this should be a bit of a laugh but also useful if you’re a parent, grandparent or a carer of one or more teenagers!  

Did you know there is a difference between talking and speaking? there is!

So here goes – now, you can move up and down through these stages, you can go back to one and jump to another so long as you’ve observed the correct protocol at least once! 

Stage Rules 
Snapping Not yet at the ‘talking’ stage but you are sending snaps to each other on SnapchatYou’re both chatting this way, not in person yet You can be Snapping more than one person to begin with  This stage is where you are ‘interested’ in someone   
TalkingYou are both starting to like each other You will start talking for longer – it’s not ‘exclusive’ yet but if you do like each other you should think about not snapping others You might not speak as much at school just yet as this stage is still kept low keyYou can move form Snapping to talking but also can go back to Snapping if Talking is not going very well 
Speaking This is not the same as talking At this stage you are ‘pinned’ on snapchat – so at or near the top of your list You start to get closer You are not ‘speaking’ or ‘talking’ to anyone else  You will meet up and spend time together ‘in person’ – and go on ‘dates’ possibly. You can move from Speaking to Talking, or even back to snapping if things are not going well bit aren’t ‘over’ yet 
Going Out This only happens after an acceptable time “speaking’ the usual is about a month This is where you ‘put a label on it’ BF GF or BF BF or GF GF  Girls who are attracted to boys want the boy to do the asking at this stage  Pupils that are LGBTQ have told me that the process is very similar but tends to happen when you’re a bit older and not in S2/S3It is possible to move back to Speaking early door – but the longer you are speaking, the more secure going out is believed to be  
 
Break Up The Ick    		What it says in the tin This can also be a result of any one of the 3 stages of ‘The Ick’ Stage 1 – start to go off someone – you might take longer to reply to snaps – like 5 minutes instead of 1 Stage 2 – When you make plans – you might not go or might not really want to go but do – but you’re a bit cold if ye do  Stage 3 – Everything a person does gives you ‘the ick’ – there is no going back from this stage    

So, there you have it, if you want to know what your teenager’s relationship status is, if they are in secondary school, it would appear this is a good indicator.

As always, it’s good to be able to connect with what your child and their pals are going through and to talk to them about what is happening. 

Interestingly, when I ask young people who makes sure the rules are followed, the answer is ‘each other’. They are not sure who came up with these rules, but they all know them and feel obliged to follow them.

I have been heartened to hear that girls ‘do not like it’ when boys try and tell them what to do or what stage they are it. Keep this up girls.

And pupils that are LGBTQ do say it’s a similar process, but they might not go through it in S2 and S3 but will in S4 and S5 when their awareness of and perhaps the visibility of other LGBTQ pupils increases. 

Is this a Glasgow thing? Let me know 

Huge thanks to Leoni and Courtney for this too