Trying to share what Ive learned – looking for some feedback

I have been trying for a while to start to write about the work I have been doing with families over the last couple of years. I’ve learned so much from so many families from across different local authority areas, that’s its almost impossible to boil it all down to be able to answer the question I get asked a lot, ‘what’s the one thing you’ve learned?’.

I tend to start waffling about how things are like jigsaw we need to piece together to see the bigger picture, so many things affect our children, their families and the people who work in their schools. 

Yes, the influence of social media, yes, the impact of lockdown, yes, the political landscape, yes, making education a political football, and so on and on. 

But the one thing I would say, in terms of what I have learned it’s this – the answer lies with families. Success, genuine change has only come about when the family, me and the school, work together. 

Working on one thing at a time that has a ripple effect on what you do next. To measure small incremental changes and focus on seeing behaviour and the impact it has. Not what it might mean or what CAMHS might diagnose, but what can we do today? What can you do when they get home from school?

As I reflect on this, I feel I will write several Blog’s to cover the myriad of insights this work has led to. Or even make some videos.

So, with that in mind, here are some of the areas I’d like to cover

• The focus on your child’s happiness over all other feelings and experiences
• The Snowplough – clearing the path of any obstacles – long term implications
• Treating everyone like they have trauma / pathologizing everything
• ‘The world revolves around me’
• The influence of social media – on parents, children and teachers
• The path to change – real examples of changes in behaviour and in stress
• Why ‘it’s okay to be angry’ is not a helpful approach, its incomplete. 
• Same issues – different wellies. The same issues exist in affluent/rural areas.
• Behaviour expectations through values and relationships – The actual path to success
• Fidget toys are a distraction – not a stress reducer.
• ACE’s took us up the wrong path

My observations have been consistent across different authorities and individual schools. From my perspective, there is no doubt that attitudes to parenting have changed. The fear that is present that a child may have a difficult or negative experience has led to the evolution of a kind of parenting where parents are more concerned with how their child views them, rather than helping their child learn skills to deal with the kind of things happen in schools. 

Things like disappointment, embarrassment, friends not talking, being bad at something, not liking a teacher and the one that really stands out, dealing with feelings of boredom.

The reliance on parents to solve all issues and to step in or to demand the school reframes its approach to their child, is leading to children struggling with their own behaviour and relationships all through school and into young adult life. Friendships can be fragile, work, college and independence are becoming harder to manage. 

This is extensively written about and my work here in Scotland echoes this. In every school I work in, I see a high number of children who still present on what I frame as the ‘toddler phase’ of development, specifically the belief we associate with this developmental stage that the world revolves around you. When I ask parents if they think their 9/10/11/12-year-old believes the world still revolves around them, they usually respond very enthusiastically that that’s what life at home feels like. It’s then easier to plan on how to address this as it’s not about who caused it? but how can we change it?

I deal with many families where mum and dad are not on the same page on this, one parent is the tough one and one is the soft one, this brings real stress to their relationship. 

I’ve helped many parents gain a better sense of ‘control’ at home and stop negotiating every aspect of their child life, what they wanted to wear, eat, when they felt like sleeping, what they should do today, or more commonly what they didn’t want to do today. This does involve some short-term pushback and emotional difficulty but in time they see the benefits and the knock-on effect it can have on sleeping, friendships, school and crucially, their stress. 

I rarely ask for feedback from these, but I’d love to be interested on how people would like to engage on this, I’m thinking of videos to cover these issues, one that can support families as well as teachers and staff.

So, would people like that? To read stuff or listen? 

Let me know 

brian@orbistc.com