This is in response to the coverage of the guidance in Scotland
The guidance was not and never has been about ‘banning’ the word ‘bully’. The point is being misrepresented and used to score points without taking in the full guidance.
The guidance is for adults who need to respond to and deal with bullying. For years parents and schools focussed on establishing whether someone was a bully or not rather than deal with what they’d done.
Telling someone they are a bully doesn’t or hardly ever changes their behaviour – if it did – this would have worked years ago – it didn’t.Children are not adults – their character is still developing and labelling can confirm traits and behaviours before a child has a chance to learn alternatives or change what people seem to believe about them.
When we tell children they –
Talk too much
Are a bully
A liar
Are lazy
Can’t manage their anger
They can internalise this and believe they’ve no control over it. This happens all the time. When we focus on their behaviour, on what they did – we are in a better place to help them change and in this case, stop bullying.
Telling them ‘that this is what you did wrong’ – and ‘these are the consequences’ – ‘here is what we expect instead’ – is more useful than giving them the label of bully.
Some children stop bullying – they make amends – the label can stick.I have more first hand experiences than I can count where a child’s bullying was not treated seriously because adults didn’t think they were a bully – and times where everything a child does is bullying because everyone thinks they’re a bully.
Also I’ve seen parents who won’t accept their child is bullying because they don’t accept their child is a bully – but if I describe your child’s actions and that it’s unacceptable – that’s a better conversation and one that may actually stop their behaviour.
This thinking about labelling stops us sorting things out. All we ever asked in the guidance was to focus on addressing behaviour and impact – not deciding on who is or isn’t a bully. It’s got nothing to do with not hurting people’s feelings – it’s to give the adults the right kind of guidance to actually stop bullying.
And it’s based on what thousands of children and young people that have been bullied have shared with me over the years.
It’s not an SNP thing either – they never put this in the guidance – initially in 2011 believe it or not – it was me – based on thousands of engagement’s with children and young people.
It’s vital we don’t mince our words when dealing with bullying – call it out – call it bullying and that it’s never ever okay. When someone is bullying – point out exactly what they’re doing that’s bullying – don’t hint at it – be straight. I’ll never worry about hurting someone who bullies feelings – I’ll tell them what they’re doing is bullying – but I will give them a chance to change and to learn.
Brian Donnelly
Orbis T&CLtd 